You've stumbled upon the blog of Paul Malan. I love my family, I love to write, I love to ride my bikes, and I love to take pictures. Maybe someday I'll think of something clever or arresting to say right here.I write meticulously. I tweak and revise, deleting and restarting sentences, paragraphs and even entire essays simply because I’m not content with the way two words sound together it my head. Perhaps my point was lost by a passive sentence; an aggressive structure hits the point too hard; gratuitous alliteration might mute the meaning of the matter; or like a snowmobile in Hawaii, a simile might be out of place. Whatever the cause, it may take an hour for me to perfect a single passage.
This is a stark contrast to my verbal communication, by the way. In nearly every social situation I say but little, absorbing the ideas presented by others and taking the time to check them against my own before I speak. Of course the nature of conversation doesn’t typically allow that sort of mental luxury, so I wind up saying nothing. But when I do speak, when a topic arises to which I’ve given sufficient thought, my mouth betrays me and the words spill out like so many drunken cats. They move too quickly, bumping into each other and perhaps even fighting as they exit, until at last when the cats have gone the listener has to wonder what they’ve just witnessed, what it was meant to convey, and how I managed to marry.
Yes, I have always been a writer, not a speaker. So it perplexes me that I have struggled so much with the idea of writing a blog. But I think I’ve figured it out.
Generally speaking I love conflict. I choose to expose myself to contrary ideas and positions that force me to reconsider and defend my position. I entertain ideas that I know I don’t believe simply to see what others might think of my own beliefs. But I have come to realize that I lack integrity. I love conflict only as much as I am comfortable defeating it. Sure, I argue with those crazed liberals on NPR all the time, but the radio can’t rebut. A blog, though, is like a living essay. Because I lack any remarkable expertise I’m left to discuss only that which interests me generally, quite a personal undertaking, and you could leave a comment that might inspire me to eat my words six months after I write them. I seem to have stumbled upon a sort of persona – Paul is so objective, so wise for his age, so thoughtful and insightful – and it appears I’m simply not anxious to expose myself for your renewed consideration.
This is complicated by the supposed audience of my blog. As a twenty-something college student without notoriety in any circle, I’m hardly a magnet for anonymous reading. You few, you happy few, you band of readers, represent people who know me quite well and upon whose opinions I place the most value. And what an audience! Among you are some of the most conservative and most liberal people I know, and because my views vary wildly depending on the issue I could conceivably butt heads with each of you at least once. Everything I write may be considered by a religious zealot, devil’s advocate, intellectual giant, sociopath (you know who you are), university professor and more. The pressure to amuse or amaze is always on my mind.
Of course there is a secondary issue which may eventually become the primary obstacle to my life as a blogger, and that is that I frequently decide my ideas aren’t worth recording. My writing has followed a familiar cycle for a decade now: An idea catches my attention, I spend a few hours during the day considering it while working on other tasks, I begin to write my ideas down, and then realize that a) It’s total crap; b) My perspective is mundane and unremarkable; c) I don’t have time to do the topic justice; or d) I am not confident enough to be persuasive.
Well I think this post serves only one purpose – to give myself permission to write what I feel like writing, post with reckless abandon, expose my ideas to their proper consideration, and improve as a writer, thinker and person as a result. When you disagree, lay it on me. I can’t very well claim to be a thoughtful person without having my ideas examined by my friends. Chances are each of you who read what I write will get to know me better than you did before, and if I occasionally make myself a fool for the effort, well, I guess I can deal with that too.
I too suffer from the 'edit-first-then-write' syndrome you described. something that's supposed to help me (but doesn't really, yet): maybe it's not about having the perfect blog, but just getting something down on screen to start with.
There. See? I've edited this already 6-7 times. still not happy w/it, so I'll quit and let it bug me for a few days.