Music as a religion

10:52 PM 9 comments

My wife frequently reminds me that I am a snob. Not a snob-of-all-trades, but in a few select areas I’m told I can be a little snooty. Food is the most frequently visited venue for my highbrow habits, and I will admit I can be a little picky when it comes to putting things in my mouth. This might leave you a mental image of my complaining about having married a bad cook while Wendy cries quietly across the table, but in fact the opposite is true.

Wendy’s pancakes are really something. She makes the batter from scratch—I don’t know where she got the recipe but to me her whole recipe box has a sort of magical glow—and on the rare occasion she makes Bisquick pancakes I can’t help but feel just a little bit cheated. It’s a bit like watching Michael Jordan make a layup when you know he could have done a tongue-wagging dunk.

Of course I don’t make a big deal of it, in fact I’m perfectly diplomatic, and when she asks how I like the change I respond honestly: “Bisquick sucks. Where are the magic pancakes?” I guess her real pancakes have spoiled me and I no longer appreciate the chewy, air-filled sponge-pancakes I used to enjoy. I have admittedly become a pancake snob.

Unfortunately, not all my snobbery can be smothered in syrup. There’s my energetic disdain for misused apostrophe’s (sic) and the people who abuse them, my contempt for people who refuse to really think, and of course, my hatred for the music played on the radio.

I’ve been thinking about popular music a lot lately, trying to find a way to communicate tactfully about it, and I think I’ve found it. Let’s try a religious approach with which we’ll all be familiar: My music is true, and yours is the great whore of all the earth.

It’s just that simple.

I don’t mean to offend you, at least no more than a Catholic might be offended to hear that Mormons call their church a whore, but I’m afraid it’s true. (Remember, the guilty take the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center. If you feel defensive right now it is probably just God telling you to listen to my music.)

I’ll explain why my musical testimony is so strong. The music we’re told to enjoy by MTV and several billion dollar corporations is sorely lacking, and I am certain if people would only take some time to experience the music I love, they would love it too. In other words:

Now, we will compare my music unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the genius of the music, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the music is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

Brothers and sisters, I consider myself fortunate to have found the Music and I want you to experience it, too. I created a compilation CD I’m calling “Evangelize!” that I feel will help spread the good Music to every nation, kindred, tongue and people, and I want you to have it. Admittedly, real Music is not as superficially catchy as radio music, but if you will commit to listen to the songs 3-5 times each—to give place that the seed may be planted—I would love to share this Music with you.

In closing I would just like to bear my testimony that I know my Music is true. Popular music may have a portion of the truth, but if people knew the joy that comes from having the one true Music in their lives, they would recognize just how empty their iPods really are and do whatever it takes to find real joy in Music. I’m so grateful to have the Music in my life, and I leave these words with you in the name of Andrew Bird, Amen.

(I know! I am totally going to hell! That's just got to be blasphemy, but I just couldn't bring myself to edit it; it's pretty rare that I actually laugh out loud at the keyboard. I hope Depeche Mode was right and God really does have a sick sense of humor...)

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October 10, 2006 at 4:53 AM [# 1]Marina

I can bear witness that this blog entry is true. I took upon myself the challenge of planting the seed of the Music and behold, it is Great.

Is Wendy willing to spread the good news of her pancake recipe to all nations, kindred, tongue and people (or at least to me?) as well?

October 10, 2006 at 9:41 AM [# 2]Tom

Bob Rivers has a parody song called "What if God Smoked Cannibis." I think you should look up the lyrics. It seems to fit your religion of music. ;) Or at least your state of mind when you posted this entry, knowing the (internal?) reaction it would evoke from some of your readers :)

Strangely, the anti-spam code I now have to type begins with 666. Hmmmmmmm. . .

October 10, 2006 at 9:50 AM [# 3]Ray

As I said, Paul, you have a style that I really enjoy.

Two things:

1) Ditto Marina's question about sharing the foundation of your culinary snobbery. We had Wendy's made-from-scratch pancakes while we stayed with you the last time we were in Utah, and we can affirm that the recipe is part of the resotration of all things in the final dispensation of the fullness of times. We would love a true and pure pancake recipe - even though time constraints will probably continue to keep Bisquick from being eliminated completely from our house. (My snobbishness is manifest in my disdain for linguistic redundancy and split infinitives, as you cannot tell from that last sentence - "eliminated completely" and "will probably continue".)

2) My mother once complained when I was a teenager that there just wasn't any good music anymore. Granted that was in the 70's, so she had a point to some degree, but my response was, "There always is good music being produced. You just have to know where to find it." I listen to many genres while I drive, but I am a finnicky, impatient channel-changer. I won't keep a station playing if I don't like the song being played. Instead, I change channels until I find a song I like - repeated ad nauseum throughout the day.

October 10, 2006 at 9:55 AM [# 4]Ray

BTW, if a sick sense of humor keeps one from eternal glory, then I guess I am joining you in Hell. Michelle often makes me edit my spontaneous responses - or at least whisper them only to her! I usually only get smacked when they happen to be whispered inside the church.

October 10, 2006 at 5:45 PM [# 5]Ron

Mother says she'd like Wendy's True and Living Pancake Recipe, as well.

Although not living in the Land of Bountiful right now and thus being deprived of Inspired Ingredients, the recipe probably won't work here. Maybe it's lack of faith.

That recipe undoubtedly comes from the Sealed Plates, not revealed yet to those of us who are SuperSnobs. Indded, it must be the preferred recipe in the City of Enoch.

One question: What kind of music DO you listen to nowadays?

Sorry. I was going to try to insert some split infinitives, as well as superficial and unnecessary redundancies, for Ray. But I forgot do to it.

Dad

October 10, 2006 at 7:15 PM [# 6]Ron

Mother said I should submit this, from the June 1997 Reader's Digest:

"My friend's daughter-in-law took her six-year-old son to a matinee at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City. "Mom," the boy whispered during the performance, "why is that man in the orchestra threatening the woman on stage with his stick?"
"He's not threatening her; he conducts the orchestra," the mother explained.
"Well, if he's not threatening her," the boy replied, "then why is she screaming?"

October 11, 2006 at 7:22 AM [# 7]Tom

The word "snob" is derived from the French "sans nobilite" or translated to "without nobility."

Just to add some worthless trivia to the blog comments.

October 11, 2006 at 8:41 PM [# 8]Lisa

I listened to Andrew Bird's music and now I'm a total believer. Thanks for showing me the light. You are a true missionary! I've been wondering what excuse I could use for getting an ipod, now I know! Thanks, again, I have purpose in life, once more! I live for gadgets!

October 17, 2006 at 11:15 AM [# 9]Wendy

I'm flattered that Paul likes my pancakes so much. There's nothing secret about it. I use the recipe from the Better Home and Garden red/white checked cookbook. It's a most excellent cookbook, in case you didn't already know that. Here's the basic white pancake recipe:

1 cup flour
1 TB. sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1 egg
1 cup milk
2 TB. oil (coconut oil, if you have it)

The only 'secret' is to mix only enough to combine ingredients. Don't over mix, or you ruin the fluffy soft texture and end up with rubbery yuckiness.

Here's a more impressive recipe, in my opinion. This is my grandma's wheat pankcake recipe:

1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
3 TB. brown sugar
3 eggs
3 TB. oil
3 tsp. baking powder
3/4 tsp. salt
1 1/2 cups milk*
*for pumpkin pancakes, sub 1/2 c. pumpkin for 1/2 c. milk.
Blend sugar, salt, eggs, oil, milk (&pumpkin), add to mixed dry ingredients. Again, don't over mix. And oh my gosh, you HAVE to serve wheat pancakes with a honey butter syrup. To make this, just combine equal parts honey and real butter (for heaven's sake NOT margarine) in sauce pan and heat just to boiling, then remove.

Hope it's not a let down. Let me know if anyone gives these a try!

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Music as a religion

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