Time stand still

12:19 AM 10 comments

kate, corbin, cameron, family, parenting

My beautiful baby kate Kate turned one last week, and I can’t believe how quickly the first year went. I guess that’s true for every parent—hours and minutes that seem to last forever somehow combine to form months and years that slip away before you feel ready.

Kate is so tiny, so beautiful, and so happy. She’s discovered the joy for life that only babies can grasp—the gasps of delight and contagious giggles that remind the rest of us of life’s simplest pleasures. When I come home from work she greets me with an irresistible toothless grin and a delighted, “dada!” She dances to my music, follows me from room to room, and snuggles tightly against my chest before bed. How did I ever manage without my baby Kate?

At the dinner table Corbin shows me his homework. At the top of the page on which he’s been practicing he’s gone the extra mile, sounding out words that begin with P. p-i-g. p-o-l. p-o-o-p. He reads me a book, tells me a joke, and dissects my reasoning when I tell him he can’t have a sucker. He beat his parents twice tonight in a game of Uno. Where has my baby Corbin gone?

Between the two is Cameron, our once easy-going toddler who reminds me how Corbin used to be and warns of what Kate will soon become. His tantrums are spectacular, his questions maddening and persistent, and his affection unbridled. “Dad! I’m so glad you’re home!” he says each night, then sincerely begs clarification. “Are you Dad? Are you home?” Before long he will read me a book, tell me a joke. Before long I will miss his three-year-old questions as much as I now miss his six-month-old giggles.

They all grow up, of course they must, and I miss the way they used to be. I know this is the way parenting works, but the idea of losing the children I have now to the people they will soon become makes me feel a confused combination of anguish and anticipation.

Someday Corbin won’t want to play Uno anymore and Cameron won’t even notice when I come home. Someday too soon Kate won’t follow me from room to room and snuggle in my chest before bed. Eventually I know I will watch her dance at her wedding, and on that day I will plead with God to restore a perfect memory of the dance I shared with my baby Kate this afternoon.

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November 12, 2006 at 4:02 PM [# 1]Ron

Yes, exactly. Your musings bring to mind a question: Where has our baby Paul gone? :)

You're absolutely right--it's very difficult to experience, but impossible to impede the growth and development of children.

Cherish the moments--and be sure you record as many of them as you can.

--Dad & Mom

November 12, 2006 at 7:27 PM [# 2]Marina

The great thing is that every stage has its own joys and wonders--the key is to recognize and enjoy them to their fullest before they pass into the next stage.

It really is amazing watching an individual develop from the child you know so well--you will have memories of their lives that they will not even remember themselves, and yet somehow it all forms into who they decide to be; at the end of the day the idea that you played a part in the process is a pretty awesome thing.

November 13, 2006 at 11:11 AM [# 3]Ray

There is a very poignant song called "Then They Do". The basic theme is that parents spend their children's childhoods wishing they would grow up -- and then they do, and the parents miss so much what they once thought was a bother. Michelle and I talk regularly about letting go of the stress and enjoying the moment.

November 14, 2006 at 7:50 PM [# 4]Wendy

I regularly get misty about this subject. And immediately after I feel frantic-- there must be a way for me to get my work done AND enjoy my kids more. Maybe record more, so that when I feel the need to live in these moments again, I will have a way.
I wish there were more WOMEN reading and posting, so we could have discussions about how we all feel this way, how we deal with it, and help each other find ways to make the process joyful.
Does every good discussion have to be a religious debate? Yawn. . . oh how I tire of it.

November 14, 2006 at 8:20 PM [# 5]Anime Merritt

Wendy, some of us don't have feelings, especially not ones that we'd like to talk about or learn how to deal with. :-p

Remember, Anime Merritt said it...

November 14, 2006 at 9:30 PM [# 6]Michelle - yup, that's right

Ray and I have the interesting perspective of being in both places at once (though Mom and Dad have been there) - having a preschooler, middle-aged kids, and older teens at the same time. It is an interesting place to be; a new experience every day; another opportunity for learning.

How can it be that the little baby boy who refused to go to sleep unless he nursed and cuddled with Mom is now the amazing, caring, intelligent, friendly young man who is a freshman in college?! The time goes so quickly...

You are all correct - we need to cherish and record these fantastic moments, enjoy each stage to the fullest, realize the blessing of being a part of forming these wonderful lives...

At the times I have been able to fully embrace these moments, I wonder why it is so hard for me to see them all the time. Why am I so caught up in the "this has to be done right now" that I so often miss the small joys that really matter so much more and have such more important far-reaching import?

I see my children and who they are becoming, and I am so proud of them. They are amazing! They are each a blessing I express gratitude for each and every day.

Wendy, if you want to discuss how we feel, how we deal with the ups and downs, how we find ways to see the joy, I'm willing!

-- Michelle

November 15, 2006 at 12:35 AM [# 7]Marina

Hey Wendy--we all feel this way!

Soon after Elissa was born, I got a letter in the mail from my grandmother--not a regular occurance and it was like an answer to a prayer that I didn't even know I'd prayed. She told me that when her kids were small, she sang. That may not work for everyone, but it was great advice for me! When I would get stressed, singing "my" songs would help level me out. When the girls were upset, singing kid songs cheered them up. When they fought, I would sing "Love At Home" (I really think they still despise that song to this day!). We are still big singers in our house to this day, though the types of songs have changed a bit! Music just has such an influence on attitude and attitude determines to a great deal how we respond to any given situation.

I think two things that are key to dealing with parenting issues joyfully are respect and perspective. I think it is vital that we respect our children--and that they know it. Perspective can be a bit harder to come by, especially when we're smack dab in the middle of a parenting nightmare, but even when it comes late, it still seems to be useful. Just as a small example, Elissa is quite a strong-willed person. That aspect of her personality has not always been easy for me to deal with, and yet when she focuses that iron will against "the forces of evil" as it were, or utilizes it to reach a goal, that same strong will that nearly drove me mad when she was a toddler becomes a positive attribute.

Anyway, there's my second two-cents towards a non-religious discussion!

November 15, 2006 at 1:03 PM [# 8]Wendy

Nice to see you, Michelle and Marina! Thanks!

I feel I've come a long way in the past 5 years, and I deal pretty well now with the fighting and crying and messes. Where I keep feeling I'm letting my children down, is spending quality time.

When I hear "Mom! Come play sword fight with me!" Or "Mom! Let's race cars!" or "Watch this!" for the 6 thousandth time, I sigh and maybe even roll my eyes, and chastise myself for not being more fun. More often than not I will say, "I'd love to", but far too often I say, "Uh. . . let me finish what I'm doing, ok, and I'll play with later." Sometimes later never comes. What does it take to be able to say, "Sure, hon, I'd love to play with you" and really really mean it? If I don't figure that out, it will plague me the rest of my days. I'm sure of it.
Any suggestions?

November 15, 2006 at 5:23 PM [# 9]Marina

Wendy, if you make it to the 6 thousandth time before you sigh and roll your eyes, I'd say you're doing pretty darn good! It seems to me (and of course from this one posting, I have a firm grasp on the whole situation at hand!) that what you need is to give yourself permission to not always "really really" want to play.

One thing to keep in mind, is that we don't have to drop everything everytime our kids want to be played with in order to be good parents. Not only is it ok to say "right now I am busy with this", but it teaches them some valuable lessons, like that the world does not always revolve around them, and that sometimes they too have to do chores when they would rather play. Obviously, there is a line, I am not advocating never playing with your children, I am just saying you shouldn't expect yourself to be thrilled at every chance to sword fight.

Aside from that: As the kids get a bit older (I imagine Corbin is already at this point) you can help them pick a play activity that you would also enjoy maybe more than sword fighting or racing cars; "you know my race car is in the shop, but how about a game of Uno?" Or give them choices of a few things you would rather do and let them be the one to make the final choice. I wouldn't recommend that for every time they want to play, you don't want to send the message that they are no good at picking fun play activities, but it may help you to enjoy the quality time more if some of those times are spent doing activities that you maybe even enjoy a bit. Finding things you both enjoy becomes easier as they get older--and as this post attests, that happens much faster than we think it will when that 5,999th "mom, watch me" is staring us in the face.

One other thought, you could try positive reinforcement on yourself. So, you don't feel like racing cars just at the moment, but the kids want you to. Reward yourself for playing with them by setting aside some time to yourself afterwards or an extra scoop of ice cream or whatever it is that will send the message to your psyche that you got something out of this deal too.

November 15, 2006 at 8:50 PM [# 10]Michelle

An extra scoop of ice cream as a personal psyche reward for playing with my kids?! What have I been thinking all these years?!! I've been missing out on a lot of IC! lol
Actually, it's a great idea.

Wendy, I would be willing to bet that most parents (mothers) would list the quality time issue as the top, or near the top, reason for their parental inadequacy woes. I know I do. So how do we balance the need to accomplish things (we do want our kids to wear clean clothes to school and eat a healthy dinner...) with the need to play and enjoy and just be with our kids?

Like so many things, I view it as a cycle. Some days/ weeks/months/years we do great; other times we struggle almost constantly not to feel overwhelmed with all we "have" to do.

Marina, I have always felt you have learned this lesson well. You know, or appear to know, how to balance these things; how to teach them to your kids; how to remember that we don't have to drop everything at a second's notice. That impresses me, I guess because it has always seemed to be such a difficult thing for me to learn.

What I think I have figured out over 18 years of parenthood is the ability to see my (and my kids') progress or improvements more easily; to not beat myself up quite as much for my inadequacies; to learn which battles are worth fighting; etc.

It helps to have the perspective that the hard aspects of a certain age-appropriate stage will end! I said that today - Katie was doing something that was annoying her older siblings. I told them all to take a deep breath, to step back, and that every single one of them had done the same annoying things at age 8! Does that mean that Katie doesn't need to learn when enough is enough? No, she still needs to learn that. But I have the greater patience that comes with the recognition that my older kids have been there, done that - and the ability to use that to teach my older kids to start recognizing and accepting these types of age characteristics (vs a personality trait). Katie acts annoyingly at times because she's 8, not because she is an annoying person.

Every age has its pros and cons. I think the key is to focus on the pros. What can we learn from it? What can our kids learn from it? I believe we will enjoy each stage more if we do so. I also know it's not always easy to do this. I'd be a nearly perfect parent if I remembered and followed all of this great advice from the blog all of the time! And while I do a pretty good job, I am not reaching the "nearly perfect parent ideal" ... Like Marina said, we need to give ourselves permission not to be that perfect parent all of the time, even as we strive to do our best in the moment.

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